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I know sleep can be a controversial and sensitive subject among parents. So I would like to start with: Every child is different and every family is different, you have to do what works best for you and your family to get your little one to sleep. If your child is not sleeping currently, I recommend giving sleep training a shot - read below for more information.
Sleep Requirements
Sleep is critically important for our children - they are developing rapidly and they NEED sleep. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children need the following sleep requirements:
Ages 4-12 months: 12-16 hours (including naps)
Ages 1-2 years: 11-14 hours (including naps)
Ages 3-5 years: 10-13 hours (including naps)
Age 6-12 years: 9-12 hours
Age 13-18 years: 8-10 hours
Negative Outcomes from Lack of Sleep
In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics shares that the following negative health and behavior outcomes are associated with not meeting these sleep requirements:
Problems with attention
Behavior problems
Learning problems
Increases the risk of accidents & injuries
Increases the risk for diabetes, obesity, and hypertension
Increases the risk of depression and mental health problems.
Sleep Training
I will not say that sleep training is easy in the beginning, but it is 100% worth it. It is worth it because I know my child is getting the sleep he needs for development and to be healthy. It is worth it because we can sleep well at night knowing he will go back to sleep if he wakes up.
There are a number of different sleep training methods out there and I encourage you to find the one that works best for you and your family. If you have not already, speak with your pediatrician and see what they recommend. My family uses Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth and it fully worked for us. Parker generally sleeps from 6 PM to 6 AM, and it is lovely.
Here is the thing, sleep training is harder on the parents than it is on the baby. Your baby will be fine, it is okay for them to cry, and they absolutely NEED sleep.
Key Points of Sleep Training (Following the Weissbluth Method):
Here are some of my key takeaways from sleep training and from Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby:
1. Consistency is key, babies thrive with a structured routine
As we got into this routine, we could see that Parker was adapting to it and thriving. He is tired by 6:00 every night and because he has a set routine, it is often more problematic to keep him up late. He knows what to expect each night and so we do - this is very nice and works so well for us.
2. Watch for signs your child is sleepy and listen to this as a form of communication
When Parker gets sleepy, he rubs his eyes - this is a clear sleep signal from him and has been since he was really little. Watch for your child's sleep signals as a way for them to tell you they need to sleep.
3.Have a bedtime routine you use every night, it signals to your child that it is time to sleep
Since Parker came home from the hospital, we have had the same bedtime routine. We go into his room to put on pajamas (and a sleep sack when he used one), we brush his teeth (once old enough), we read a story together, and I sing him the same song every night (twice while holding him and once while in the crib), and then I say good night and leave the room. We do this every night and I 100% believe these activities signal to him that it is bedtime.
4. Sleep begets sleep - putting your child to bed later does not mean they will sleep later (often putting them to bed earlier will lead them to sleep later).
When he gets the sleep he needs, he sleeps better. On days when he becomes overly tired because he did not sleep well or missed a nap or had a short nap, he doesn't sleep as well and he fights going down to sleep.
5. Your child needs to learn to self-soothe.
Parker does wake up in the night pretty much every night at some point (even if it's just for a minute or two), but because we have done sleep training, he knows how to self-soothe. So we do not go into his room when he wakes up (even if he cries for a little bit) and he puts himself back to sleep.
6. It can be important to leave your child in the crib for a bit, even if they are crying
One of the big takeaways from meeting with a sleep consultant (see below) was that for napping a sleep cycle is roughly 45 minutes. So it is not uncommon for babies to wake up after 45 minutes, even though they need a longer nap. It was recommended to us that we leave Parker in his crib to self-soothe when he wakes after 45 minutes to attempt to connect sleep cycles. While it is hard to listen to him cry, this did work for us. He usually will fall back asleep and once we started doing this, eventually started taking longer naps.
Parker also sometimes wakes very early. I learned that going in before 6:00 AM will encourage him to wake up earlier and earlier. So if he woke up before 6:00, I started leaving him in his crib. Eventually, he started sleeping past 6:00 most days. The best part is, he seems to have gotten used to this wait time. So when he does wake up early, he usually just hangs out quietly in his crib - he might talk a bit but is generally not too upset - which gives me a chance to wake up and get up to get him at a reasonable time.
7. An overly tired child is not happy and neither are the parents
When Parker gets to that overtired stage, I notice that he has a lot less emotional regulation. He has meltdowns and gets upset easily, often over nothing. He will behave poorly more often than when he is well-rested. I find that neither of us are happy in these situations.
8. Parents may have to make sacrifices to make the sleep schedule work but is in the best interest of our sweet baby.
It is not always easy to put our son to sleep at 6 PM. Sometimes there are things we want to do after 6, we often want to spend more time with him after our workday, and we would love to have more family sit-down dinners, but these things are for us. Sleep is more important. So if there is something we want to do after 6 we get a babysitter (on rare occasions we will allow a late bedtime but this is the exception, not the rule). We try to be present and enjoy every minute we do get to spend together awake, and we keep in mind that bedtime will not always be at 6, so we will enjoy weeknights together more in the future. We often have to eat after bedtime because there is no time to get dinner made before - we just keep leftovers and different food for Parker to eat before he sleeps.
9. It takes time to train and there will be times when it has to be restarted, but it is better for everyone!
There are still nights occasionally when he doesn't sleep well. After vacations or illness, we might have to start the process over. But the vast majority of the time, he sleeps well. And while it is painful to listen to your child cry while you are going through this process, I honestly believe three things 1) He is okay, 2) He will not remember this or cause any long-term trauma, and 3) this is the best thing for him and getting sleep and being able to self-soothe will have long term impact.
10. Other parents (and grandparents) may have an issue with the schedule, but we do it because it is what is healthiest.
I have had other parents ask me if we have moved back his bedtime yet. We have friends with kids that will bring their kids out with us in the evening, while we have a babysitter. People may think it is a little odd that Parker is in bed by 6:00, but we pretty much ignore this. He is happy and so are we. We are lucky my family was accustomed to an early bedtime because my sister had already done this and they fully support us. My husband's family is also supportive. You may find that some are not, but just know you are doing what is best in the long run.
A Note About My Family's Experience:
I was lucky enough to have seen sleep training done successfully because my older sister successfully sleep-trained her two children. I saw that her kids were excellent sleepers (even as they got older) and I knew I would do the same with mine. So I read this book while pregnant and it is essentially my sleep bible. But that doesn't mean we never had trouble. When Parker was a few months old he went through a couple of month period where he would not take a nap (at all). I knew this was problematic. Our pediatrician (who I LOVE) said I might need to let him cry longer (the book says no longer than an hour) and she said that he may have learned that if he cries for an hour that someone will come to get him.
So I tried this - his (and my) record was 2.5 hours of crying (SCREAMING). Meanwhile, I am in the other room in tears myself because I am feeling like the absolute worse mom in the world and just hating hearing him cry for so long. After 2.5 hours I could not take it anymore - I figured I must be missing something. So I found Jamie Caldwell Sleep Consulting. We set up a video call and she collected information before our meeting so she would be prepared and we could use the time most effectively. She suggested that Parker needed an earlier bedtime and that would help him with his nap. Not too long after we implemented this, Parker started napping again.
Now Parker is a fighter, he fights sleep more than he doesn't even now - but because we have a set schedule and routine and he knows he can self-soothe he only fights it for a few minutes. He almost always gets the recommended sleep allotments. And he is a happy kid (and we are happy too!)
BONUS: Parker goes to bed at 6:00, which means we have time in the evenings to get things done around the house if needed. And we get adult time to watch TV/relax, have a more peaceful dinner, and so forth.
My husband and I both believe sleep training is critical to our lives. I know that this won't work for every family - and that is okay. But if you are desperate for your kid to sleep more, I recommend giving this a shot. If your kid is not getting the hours the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends, I recommend giving this a shot. Remember that lack of sleep is harmful to your child and so while it is not always easy, it is 100% worthwhile.
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