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A couple of weeks ago I wrote about beginning the Transformational Parenting Process - check it out here. The program has been so informational and helpful in understanding my child and how his brain and emotions work. It has also been helpful in understanding my parenting style and responses. One of my favorite things so far has been learning about emotional regulation, both for myself and my child. So I am going to share more about that on this post!
One of the awesome things about this program is that it is science-based. The information is based on brain science, attachment science, nervous system science, neuroplasticity, etc. I am a big believer that if we know better then we can do better, which is what this program is about. It is about learning about our child and ourselves to better be able to be an empowered parent. And it is all from a stance of non-judgment. The program is designed to help you better connect with yourself and your children to have a better connection and for more joyful parenting.
I would definitely encourage you to check out the Jai Institute and specifically Joyfully Connected Parenting, which is run by my friend and parent coach with the Jai Institute Jaicie. Jaicie is a mom of 3 (so she understands!), a former educator of 10 years, and has been trained as a parent coach by the Jai Institute.
Attachment is Necessary
Did you know that attachment is how your brain organizes behavior to meet your need for security (connection)?
So the quality of attachment between a child and their primary caregiver can help children with their brain and body's understanding of their connection to themselves and to others. They will believe that connection and intimacy are safe and positive.
A quality attachment between a child and their primary caregiver can help children manage their emotions. Children with a secure attachment believe their bodies can handle intense emotions and stress. This means they are more likely to feel safe and able to self-soothe as they grow older and experience intense emotions.
A quality attachment between a child and their primary caregiver can help children with a self-organizing mind. This means they are more likely to feel worthy, seen, heard, understood, and accepted and thus have a higher sense of self-esteem and worth. They are also more likely to develop the skills to pause and self-reflect on their behavior.
Essentially, there are many researched benefits for children who have a secure attachment with their primary caregiver. Attachment styles are often passed down, so it is important for the primary caregiver to have a secure attachment (and you can change your attachment style with practice!)
Your Nervous System Has a BIG Impact on Your Response to Your Child
Your nervous system signals to your body and brain if you are safe or threatened, and sometimes our nervous system can be triggered even when safe. This is especially true if you grew up in a stressful environment. However, you can practice awareness and coping skills to help you in these situations.
An example of your body starting to feel triggered (for some people) - your child is crying in the backseat. --- This is not dangerous but you may have a reaction to it because your nervous system feels threatened. This can then make you want to fight or flee and this may show in your parenting (power over or under). This means too that we cannot help our child in this situation regulate their emotions.
Each of us has a vagus nerve, which is a center nerve that tells our body's natural calming system how to work. The autonomic nervous system has three tiers:
1. The Green Pathways (Ventral Vagal State):
A state of inner safety. When you are in green, you are grounded. You feel presence, connection, love, safety, and empathy. You are more likely to make eye contact, use a soft/gentle tone of voice, be aware of facial expressions, and be aware of how your tone and gestures impact others.
It is important to know that both adults and children are not going to be able to access many skills unless in the green pathway, including:
Daily tasks
Ability to focus
Ability to think critically and make informed decisions
Ability to shift attention between tasks without extreme stress
Ability to listen to another's request while focusing on your desired task
Ability to stop focusing on a task to respond to another's request
Ability to access choice in words and actions
Ability to control impulses, pause, and think before acting/speaking
It is possible to grow and strengthen this pathway through secure attachment.
2. The Red Pathway: Mobilization
Fight or flight. Your body's automatic response.
For kids, this be stimulated by "bouncing off the walls," being squirmy, anxious, or angry. It may affect their ability to sleep. If there is a perceived threat (lack of connection, fear, being tired, hunger, thirst, a need to use the restroom, punishment, criticism, shaming), children may react (fight or flight) by yelling, screaming, hitting, kicking, punching, scratching, etc.
When our child is in this state, we need to help them find their calm. (See more information Below)
How do I help my child?
Acknowledge and accept where they are (not where they should be or where you would like them)
Release norm-based expectations
Be aware of your own nervous system state - they need to borrow your calm
If they are not too far into their nervous system state, it may be helpful to use a "playful" approach. For example: if they are hitting something, invite them to clap your hands.
Help them find release and gently begin to activate the social engagement system and into calm
Give them a "yes" place where they can express their energy without fear that they will get or property will get damaged.
3. The Blue Pathway (Dorsal Vagal State):
Your body's parasympathetic response to feeling unsafe - shutdown or freeze. If in this pathway, a person may tune out others, not respond, low muscle tone, low energy.
We want to help our children to move up and down the "polyvagal ladder" into the green pathway where they feel most safe and secure. When in green, they will be more willing to cooperate, engage, communicate, and work together. All pathways are normal, we just want to help children manage their emotions.
In children, this may look like a child who is disengaged, perceived as "lazy," or who "just doesn't listen." They may struggle with following directions and low energy.
They need support in finding their connection to self and life. They need to pass through the red pathway to get back to green, so you can expect some big emotions.
How do I help my child?
Be aware of your own nervous state - they need to borrow your calm
Accept their state - it is normal
Meet them in their low energy (but don't drown)
Offer gentle touch if they are okay with it
Meet them in their sluggishness or spaciness without judgment - enter their space with curiosity (not judgment)
Invite them into an activity you can do together. Do not take it personally or get scared if they refuse. Witness them in their low state and continue inviting them into connection. (A low state can be really scary for a child even if they don't seem outwardly scared.)
Understanding the Brain
By understanding our child's brain development, we can have a better understanding of their age-appropriate developmental behaviors and abilities and thus have appropriate expectations.
Check out this helpful graphic that the JAI Institute includes in one of their weekly workbooks.
Age 0 - 3:
The low brain is developing from birth and comes to maturation at around age two or three. During these early years your child is learning constantly and absorbing their environment. When stressed during these early years, they are not able to follow directions or control their impulses, and they 100% need you to help them co-regulate.
Age 3 - [7-12]:
The middle brain begins developing around age three and comes to maturation between ages seven and twelve. During this time children are learning how to regulate, but they are still depending on us to help co-regulate when stressed (100% necessary). This is when children's emotional regulation and impulse control develops (in a safe environment). It is critical for us as parents to model and show our children warmth, empathy, and compassion. Belief systems are formed during this time (both supportive and limiting) based on their environment.
Ages [7-12] - 25:
The frontal lobe and prefrontal cortex begins to develop around age seven (if a child has been in a safe and supportive environment) and matures around age 25. But much of the development of this part of the brain occurs during adolescence. (Note: The JAI Institute recommends the book Brainstorm by Daniel Siegel as a resource for teenage parents.)
This means:
Be aware of your child's abilities based on their brain development (for example, a two-year-old is not going to be able to understand logic)
Try not to label (positive or negative) your child because they should choose who they are not try to live under a label a parent has given them
Try to understand your child's thoughts and mind (we want them to feel seen and heard)
Try to understand your child's feelings, unmet needs, thoughts, beliefs, the context of the situation, brain development, etc. when your child is exhibiting a behavior
Emotional Intelligence
We need to know how to feel our feelings, so we can teach our children how to feel theirs. Many of us have been conditioned that some feelings are "good" and some feelings are "bad." And instead of truly feeling, we just push them down. But we can practice naming our emotions and feelings so we can choose our actions (emotional intelligence) and in turn, this will help our children.
Every behavior of our children is their best attempt to get their needs met.
Something I learned in this training: there are six primary emotions and over 3,000 feelings associated with those emotions. The six primary emotions are: anger, joy, grief, shame, fear, and surprise.
The Jai Institute training encouraged participants to name an emotion and three feelings with it. I have been surprised to find that I sometimes struggle to do this (or at least to do it accurately!) because I am not used to naming feelings.
There are 7 basic human needs of a child:
Survival/Safety/Security
Unconditional love/belonging/authenticity
Attention/affection/appreciation
Emotional attunement/empathy
Power/empowerment
Freedom/Autonomy/Independence
Fun/Play/Discovery
I have found it helpful to consider when Parker starts moving away from the green if one of his seven basic needs are not being met. This list is helpful in first considering how I can help him meet these.
Helpful Tools
Children under age 8 are completely unable (developmentally) to self-regulate - they need us to co-regulate. Older children also are likely to need some guidance and co-regulation to access their calm.
In order to help our children, we as a primary caregiver must be in a state of calm. There is a significant focus on self-reflection and self-awareness in completing the Transformational Parenting Process because there are things to do to help yourself so you can help your child.
Strengthen the Vagus Nerve
This makes it easier to access inner safety and calm in times of stress and teach our children to do so too. Below are just a few sources for more information on how to strengthen the vagus nerve:
Track your body's cues and signals of stress.
Learn your body's stress continuum. The Jai Institute uses a thermometer as a visual tool and invites you to create your own thermometer and to create one for your child. This is helpful so that you can start regulating your emotions when you first notice that you are not in green and notice when your child starts moving away from green.
Here is an example:
Calming Tools:
It is helpful if you know your and your child's sensory needs. Know what overstimulates you and which tools help you move back into green. Also, know which tools help your child preventively (especially for children under 7). Think about the five senses and for each sense what may be overstimulating to you and your child. Then think about what is calming for each of the five senses.
I will be doing another post soon on calming tools! You can also find more information on sensory calming/calming activities at the links below. Note: Many websites focus on kids who may be sensory sensitive, but these activities can be useful for anyone!
A helpful tool for self-regulation: ANCHOR
A: awareness of body
N: name what is happening in your body (if you can name it, you can tame it)
C: connect to your sensory calming tool
H: honor the process
O: open to connection
R: recommit to your child and the present moment
A helpful tool for co-regulation: HARBOR
H: hold space
A: accept what is; let go of fear
R: remember sensory calming tools, focus on modeling
B: be low, slow, and soft
O: open to connection
R: remind child of safety
A helpful tool for Emotion Coaching: Soothe
S: sink into your ANCHOR
O: open your HARBOR
O: offer empathy and validation
T: tools for sensory calming
H: hear your child (when calm)
E: explore options for the future (make a game plan for next time)
Since starting the Transformational Parenting Process, I already have noticed a difference in my parenting and how I show up for Parker, particularly when he starts to leave the green. I have found this information so helpful in empowering me to set reasonable expectations and to find connection with him when I start to notice that he is not regulated. Having the tools to notice how my body is reacting and mange it so I can better show up as a parent is a game changer. It's not always easy, it is still exhausting, and I am certainly not perfect at it. However, I'm already noticing positive changes in my parenting and connection to him. I plan to provide a larger update once I finish the whole 12 week process/course, but I am halfway though and it's already been incredibly helpful!
All of this information is really just the tip of the iceberg. If you are interested and find this helpful, check out Joyfully Connected Parenting and the JAI Institute. Jaicie with Joyfully Connected Parenting can talk you through some different options with no pressure at all. One of the things I love about this process is that they want to share this information for anyone who wants it, but they are not trying to force anything on you.
Remember Mama, you are doing a great job! You got this!
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